Inception of a mother

She probably makes you pancakes and cheers on the sidelines of your soccer games. She’s there when you need advice on boys or when you need a shoulder to cry on. This is what I think a mother is, but i’ve never experienced this type of motherly love. I envy those who’s mother jumped out of a Disney move. I feel jelous even. Seven years ago my mom had an aneurysm, I was in the sixth grade. I remember I had told my dad I would be watching hockey but had someone how ended up at the pool google eyeing the boys. My brother ran in shouting and grabbing me. Alarmed I knew somthing bad had obviously happend. We were quickly dropped off at my Aunts where I was greeted by sad eyes and wet faces. I couldnt help but cry for days on end, I mean why my mom?

 2011, shes working she cooks, shes some what a normal mother. Its my normal. My mom had always been very out spoken and stubborn, bu never the less a cool chick. But after her aneurysm all of her negative traits have been magnified to the max. She is a very negative mean person now and she doesnt have that thing in her brain which says ” whoa maybe I shouldnt be saying this ” She says what she feels and doesnt have a single regret. I’ve come to have this very strong bitterness against her. I dream of having a loving mother to look up to, to be like. But unfortunatly I dont have that. Think of ww2, constant yelling and gun fire at the drop of a hat. That is my house, everything is worth completely screaming over and starting a massive fight in her eyes. I have to constantly remind her that some things arent worth getting so worked up over and this results in a fuck you.

If shes not cursing at me or letting me know how big of a let down I am, shes knocking on my door asking for a kiss. Theres this sudden switch where she turns into this inocent child. This side of her absolutely drives me insane, i look at this 40 year old woman, my mother! Acting the equivalent of a 5 year old. Its so depressing to know that thats my mom. And the hard part is that people judge me based on my mother. Everyone knows how crazy she can get and how upfront she is and they put that label on me too. I feel like im constantly having to prove myself to everybody and it gets so tiring. If its not having to prove myself its having to defend my mom. People are very rude these days and they let me know how they feel about her and its so damn rude! I mean I realize shes a hard ass.. but she is my mother.

Sigh, sometimes I just wish I had a normal loving mom. Especially at this point in my life where im becoming and adult. I need advice and direction and its not there. Its difficult sometimes because im so tired of fighting, so tired. It would be so easy for me to just go into this dark place in my mind and be depressed and not give a fuck about anything anymore. But im a really happy person, I dont want to be like that, But its not always easy to slap a smile on when my home life is complete shit. So I stay out at almost all hours and I come home really late at night. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am about moving this coming August. It will be a huge life saver to start my new life with a positive mind set. And as an adult I refuse to put up with how she speaks to me. I will cut her out of my life as quick as I can because she has taken enough of my childhood. But hey, im used to being the lone wolf . So my real question is, would it be better to be motherless? Or just barely survive through this hell she constantly is putting me through.

I call it like i see it


~ by icallithowiseeit on May 11, 2011.

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